


I Really Am A Screw Up

by scooter3scooter



Series: Barley Has Anxiety [2]
Category: Onward (2020)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxious Thoughts, Barley Lightfoot deserves a hug, Barley Lightfoot has anxiety, Barley Lightfoot is not a screw up, Brother Feels, Brotherly Angst, Brotherly Love, Brothers, Crying, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Good Older Sibling Barley Lightfoot, Hugs, Hurt Some Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Insecurity, POV Barley Lightfoot, Pretending, Protective Barley Lightfoot, Protective Older Brothers, Screw Up, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Worth Issues, Set during the movie, barley is a good brother, self blame, venting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:48:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23980024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scooter3scooter/pseuds/scooter3scooter
Summary: Looking around, I knew we were both thinking the same thing, yet it did not really sink in until Ian breathed out, “we’re back… home.”I didn’t dare look at him, look at his disappointment that I may have led us astray. But this doesn’t make sense, this should be where the gem is at, I don’t get it.“No, this doesn’t make sense,” I finally glanced up to my brother only to see his expected disappointment, I flit my eyes away and gestured for the path, “we took the Path of Peril!”I kept my eyes away from my brother, pacing, we did everything right, how could this have gone so wrong? Trying to work out what we did aloud, “we followed the ravens, we went to the water,” I stilled. Unless we were never supposed to go to the water.—Barleys POV from when Ian was yelling at him until they hug at the end
Relationships: Barley Lightfoot & Ian Lightfoot, Barley Lightfoot & Wilden Lightfoot
Series: Barley Has Anxiety [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1729015
Comments: 16
Kudos: 51





	I Really Am A Screw Up

Looking around, I knew we were both thinking the same thing, yet it did not really sink in until Ian breathed out, “We’re back…  _ home _ .” 

I didn’t dare look at him, look at his disappointment that I may have led us astray.  _ But this doesn’t make sense, this should be where the gem is at, I don’t get it. _

“No, this doesn’t make sense,” I finally glanced up to my brother only to see his expected disappointment, I flit my eyes away and gestured for the path, “We took the Path of Peril!” 

I kept my eyes away from my brother, pacing,  _ we did everything right, how could this have gone so wrong?  _ Trying to work out what we did aloud, “We followed the ravens, we went to the water,” I stilled.  _ Unless we were never supposed to go to the water. _

I pulled the stone out of my pocket, holding it up and examining it,  _ I’ll figure this out, we have to figure this out,  _ “Unless the X meant stay away from the water,”  _ no that doesn’t make sense,  _ I turned the block sideways for a new perspective, “Or it could be like a… campfire?” 

_ No that makes even less sense and I can’t sound unsure. I sound unsure but I can’t, I need to be confident. No fear. I vowed no fear, if I lose confidence then Ian will lose confidence in me. If he hasn’t already…  _

I continued, “It’s okay,” I waved my hands for emphasis, “we can figure this out.” I put the stone back in my pocket. Hand on my hip, other fist to my mouth,  _ I just need to think. If the X did not mean go to the water then what could it have- _

Ian interrupted my thoughts, “Figure out what? We’re back where we started.”  _ I can’t dare face his frustration, his disappointment. I screwed up  _ again  _ and if I can’t fix it then I really have ruined Ian’s life. _

I threw my arms out as I began pacing again, “It  _ has _ to be here!” I insisted,  _ this makes no sense I don’t understand, but he can’t know I don’t know,  _ with all the confidence I could muster I said, “There was a gauntlet!”  _ That’s proof right?  _

But I kept talking, “I mean, unless that gauntlet was for,” I raised my arms to emphasize the ridiculousness of the statement, “ _ coincidentally  _ some other quest,” quieter I whispered, “That’s a possibility.”

To which, Ian understandably asked, “What?” With way too much fear in his voice.  _ I put that fear there. I’m making him doubt me, if he doubts me then he won’t trust me and then I can’t protect him and I need to protect him. _

_ When will I learn to shut up?  _ “No, no, no,” I tried to assure him, “This- this  _ has  _ to be where the Phoenix gem is.” I whispered the last part, turning away from my brother.  _ I’m not sure whether to reassure him or me. _

Now that I’m facing away, I let my frown deepen,  _ how could I have been so stupid as to screw this up to? All I do is screw everything up and I still can’t understand  _ how  _ I screwed this up. Am I that stupid? _

The last part was almost a whimper, “I followed my gut.”  _ My gut has never failed me before, if I can’t trust it, trust myself, then what am I supposed to do? If I can’t trust me then neither can Ian trust me, and I can never keep him safe that way. _

“Oh no…” he breathed out. 

I quickly turned around, to see him with eyes downcast, The gem is in the mountain,” his voice started picking up volume, “The mountain we could have been to  _ hours  _ ago if we just- if we just stayed on the expressway,” he winced.

_ No, no, he doesn’t understand, that’s not how quests work, it could not have been that simple, that’s not what my gut said to do.  _ “No,” I lowered my arms as if I were an umpire yelling ‘safe’ for baseball, “The expressway is too obvious,” I finally met his eyes again, trying to regain my confident tone of voice, “You can never take the obvious-” 

He cut me off in a shout, leaning towards me, “If I hadn’t listened to you! Okay?” He threw his hand up, clutching his head.

_ God I screwed up, he’s so upset and I did that, I did this to him.  _

He kept going, head still in his hand, “I can’t believe this…” he breathed out, before once again regaining volume, finally looking up and stepping towards me, “You act like you know what you’re doing but you don’t have a clue! And,” he paused, like he just made a realization, “that’s because you are a screw up!” He came closer, pointing his finger in my face, “And now you’ve screwed up my chance to have the one thing I never had!” 

My mouth gaped as his words sank in. Not even with years of perfected smiles and practiced façades of confidence could have prepared me for this.  _ And I can’t say he’s wrong.  _

_ I am a screw up. If I wasn’t so stupid and actually thought I could trust myself then he could have his chance to meet Dad. But I ruined it like I ruin everything. _

He turned, looking at the legs of our Dad, before glaring back at me. He stomped away, pulling Dad along with him. 

Though I know he’s better off without me, I still took a step towards my baby brother, my voice breaking as I called after him, “Where are you going?”

Ian turned, shoving the wizard staff into my arms, “To spend what little time we have left with dad.”  _ When he said we, he meant I. _

_ He can’t just leave, there has to be a way I can make this better, nothing is unfixable right?  _ I ran forward, “Ian, wait!” I called out, though my voice still rang quieter than normal. 

As he walked faster, my pace only slowed,  _ my last chance,  _ “We can still find the Phoenix gem!” Even to my own ears that did not sound convincing. “We just have to keep looking!” 

I finally came to a stop as his head disappeared over the hill, “Ian, Ian!” I called out one last time, as if I thought that would actually change his mind. 

With that my brother and Dad were gone. Because of me. 

_ It would be wrong to run after them, ruin the time they have. That’s not what Ian wants, it’s time for him to get what he wants…  _

_ I can’t just give up, I can’t just let Ian lose his chance.  _

Instead of breaking down and crying, as tempting as that is, I started pacing the construction sight, trying to figure this out, the stone back in my hand. 

Mumbling to myself like a crazy person, “Come  _ on _ ,” I’m not sure who I’m begging anymore, “Where is it?” 

I paused, looking back down at the stone, I whispered, “Follow the water.” 

_ The water, what is the water supposed to- oh my god! How could I have been so stupid, it’s the fountain! The fountain is water oh my god! _

I quickly turned and run up to the fountain, sifting through the fountains waters.  _ It has to be here, this is the only water. This is a historical sight, it makes sense!  _ I ignored the voices of the construction workers as I desperately splashed around the fountain  _ looking for a gem I know I’ll never be able to find. Nothing ever works out for screw ups, does it? _

The elf approached me, “C’mon, out of the fountain.”

_ She doesn’t understand, she doesn't get it!  _ “No,” I insisted, feverishly searching the water even though I know it’s not here. “I’m looking for an ancient gem!”

I ignored their jokes until they grabbed me, one worker on each arm, “No! Stop!” I begged them,  _ they can’t make me stop fighting for Ian!  _ “Please, no,” I begged but they wouldn’t listen,  _ no one ever does _ , “Okay,” I tried to comply, “Ow!” The male gripped me too hard,  _ he knows he’s hurting me and he doesn’t care _ . 

“Okay, okay,” I tried to reason, finally shaking myself out of their cruel grip, “I’m leaving,” I raised my hands as if to mean no harm, before turning and sprinting back up to the fountain. 

I quickly grabbed Dads staff, tossing it up onto the fountain, before I climbed up on top. I ignored their threats,  _ as much as they hurt,  _ and gripped onto the fountain. Letting out heavy breaths, I held onto the fountain as if it were a hug.

_ When I was in high school, in health class we had to do a test to see what our love language is, whatever that means. And my top one was physical touch, and god could I use some love right now…  _

_ But I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve another being having to deal with me. So I’ll just have to settle for some cold rock…  _

“C’mon, get down right now,” the familiar voice of the cop from before sounded. I shifted, wedging myself between the two pillars of rock, as if that could protect me.  _ There’s no one to protect me. _

_ Sometimes when I hug Ian, throw an arm around his shoulder, tell him everything’s gonna be okay, I wish he would understand that I do everything for him I wish someone would do for me. I want to show him the affection I craved, tell him all the reassurances I need to hear. Because he does not deserve to ever have the doubts I’ve had. _

But that doesn’t matter right now, what matters is this fountain and this gem and figuring out how to fix my screw ups.

My breathing increased once again,  _ god breathing should not be this hard.  _ My eyes cast down as I tried to force my lungs to be effective, only to spot a weirdly shaped hole in the fountain. 

Immediately I recognized the shape, taking the stone from my pocket out again. With one last look at the rock, I carefully placed it face down into the fountain. Sitting up, I looked around, for something,  _ anything _ , happen.

At the sound of a rumble, I looked up to the top piece of the fountain to begin to slide down. A smile grew on my face as the Phoenix gem was revealed.

I could not contain my excitement, exclaiming, “Ye-ah! Yeah-h-h-h!” I carefully picked up the large gem, examining it in my hand.

_ Oh my god I actually figured it out! I actually did something right, I figured it out! I did not screw up this quest, my gut was right the gem was at the water! _

I could not keep the smile off my face as I stared at the proof that I’m not a complete screw up. 

I did not see him coming but as soon as I heard a “Barley!” I looked up to find my brother running back to me.  _ Ian a actually came back, he didn’t have to but he did.  _

I breathed out, “Ian,” forgetting to hide the immense relief from my tone. I held up the gem with a laugh, “Look!”  _ Maybe he could actually be proud of me if he sees that I did something right. _

Though Ian was not excited or proud, instead he pointed and yelled, “Behind you.” Turning, I was met with red mist spilling out of the fountain like a fog machine.  _ Oh no…  _

With a gasp, I went to the other side of the fountain, gaining a better look at the mist, “It’s the curse.” 

_ Of course there’s a curse, there’s always a curse I should have known. I should have been prepared, how can I be called a history buff when I didn’t even think about the possibility of a curse? _

I could only watch as red tendrils moved liked serpents over the ground, weaving between people and covering everything like red paint. Suddenly the strings of mist flew to the sky, entangling together to create a ball. A red glowing orb appearing in the middle. 

More tendrils sprang from the core and flew into the school. The mist acted like arms, destroying and grabbing objects and pulling them into itself. I could only watch, mouth agape, as the debri surrounded the core, creating a shape. A body, then limbs, then a tail, then wings, last the face of the school mascot serving as the curse’s head. 

_ A dragon. _

The dragon turned towards me, and though it’s eyes were painted on I could feel the glare. The debri opened like a jaw and the school bell blared in place of a roar.  _ And I thought the bell was bad when I was actually in school. _

Though the dragon stepped forward, all I could do was tremble under its gaze. 

It was not until my little brother screamed, “Barley, run!” that I finally got some sense, and jumped off the fountain, gem in one hand staff in the other.

_ No fear, no fear. I can’t let Ian see how absolutely completely terrified I am of the curse. I can’t let him see. _

Trying to think as quick as I could, as the sound of the beast was gaining on me, I called out, “What do you want, the gem?”  _ If I can just distract him then I can get to Ian. Once with Ian I can keep him safe, and then we can help dad.  _

I reached into my pocket, pulling out the last piece of Guinevere, my momento, holding it up I screamed, “Fine! Then take it!” I chucked the headlight as far as I could, sprinting full speed towards Ian. 

Looking back, I made sure he bought the bait, and continued in my run. Now closer to Ian, I put on a victorious smile. With a laugh I held up the real gem, showing him I’m not actually stupid enough to give the curse the gem back. 

Before I realized what was happening all I saw was  _ fire fire fire _ and I was thrown back. My head smacked the ground but all I could think of was  _ was Ian burned? Did the dragon get him? Is he okay?! _

_ If Ian was caught by the blast, surely he would have screamed out right? Surely I would have heard him? _

Though on the outside I could not hear anything but the roaring flames, they were no match to the volume of my screaming thoughts. 

Standing up the dragon was in a nose dive, pointing to the other side of the flames,  _ to Ian. _

_ But Ian can’t protect himself, he doesn’t have his staff, he can’t use magic. He’s not safe and that's my fault because I pissed him off and that’s why he left in the first place.  _

_ If something happens to him it’s my fault.  _

Before I could do anything, before I could even call out my brothers name, something flew through the sky and hit the dragon, knocking it away from Ian.

I looked up in time to see our hero. 

With raised arms, I shouted out, “The Manticore!” 

While from the other side of the fire I heard Ian call out, “Mom?”  _ That means he's conscious so he might be okay, please let him be okay.  _

Mom peered out from on the Manticore, yelling out, “It’s okay boys! We’ll take care of-” though she was cut off by the Manticore tilting. Thankfully she did not fall off though.

As she regained her balance, Ian shouted, “Mom?!” Concern filling his voice.

Steady again, “Go see your father!” she commanded us. 

_ Mom will protect us, the Manticore is here with her sword, they have a chance. Ian needs to know he’ll be okay. _

“It’s okay,” I tried to reassure him, “If they stab the beast's core with that sword, the curse will be broken.” I pointed to the orb. “C’mon!” I directed him, running away from the dragon and towards the end of the fire. 

As Ian and I ran to each other, I could hear the sound of the fight in the background, though I did not dare turn around. 

With the dragon distracted, Ian and I made it to the top of a hill, finally together again. Not wasting any more time, I shoved the wizards staff into Ian’s hands,  _ giving him his protection _ , allowing him his chance to get Dad back. 

Unclipping and tossing away the dragon leash, I adjusted Dad’s stance, for ideas placement for the spell.

Ian spoke up, “Barley, what I said before,” I grabbed his staff and placed the gem inside the top part, “I am  _ so _ sorry-”

As much as I genuinely wanted to hear what he had to say, I cut him off, “There’s no time.” Looking back at the setting sun only proved it, “The sun’s about to set!” What he has to say, it has to wait.  _ I’m not important, what's important is Ian meeting dad. _

Though he seemed reluctant, having actually wanting to talk to me, he went to business. He began reciting the spell with perfect grip on the staff, “Only once is all we get, grant me this reverse,” his voice increased with each phrase, “‘Till tomorrow’s sun has set, one day to walk the earth!” 

We were shrouded in light, a cloud that looked like glitter surrounding us. 

“Hurry!” Mom called, we turned to see her pinning down the curse dragon, “I can’t hold this for long!”

As the spell went on, Ian’s footing only seemed to lessen, though I kept my hands up in case he needed something to brace against, I did not dare interrupt his spell casting.  _ Not again. I can’t ruin this for him again. _

As his feet slid more, he called out, “No! No no no no! Barley!” That’s all he needed to say, just a quick glance at me, and I was right next to him. I used all my weight to hold him steady, though it caused me unable to watch him cast the spell. 

Until suddenly the pressure was gone, he was no longer being pushed back. We looked up to see the gem float towards Dad, glowing like the sun. 

Though with my jaw dropped a small smile still tugged at my lips as the jem began to turn to dust as Dad’s body began to appear.

Before even half his torso had appeared, mom shouted, “Boys! It’s coming back!” We both turned to see the dragon stalking towards us, a predator to its prey. 

I looked back over to the setting sun, only a sliver of light left. I did not even need to think to decide what I need to do.

Already beginning the trek down the hill, “I’ll go distract him.”

For some reason, Ian asked, “What?” But I did not turn until he grabbed my arm and pulled me back, “If you do that, you’ll miss Dad.”  _ He doesn’t understand. He’s the one that’s never met Dad, he’s the one I almost screwed this up completely for. If the cost of Ian finally being able to meet dad is that I don’t get to say goodbye, then I’ll take it without a single doubt.  _

I pulled my arm away, “It’s okay,” I assured him. As much as I wanted to give him my reassuring smile, I just could not muster it, “Say hi to dad for me.”  _ I did my best not to sound disappointed. _

For some reason he shook his head with a “No.”  _ I don’t understand.  _ But he continued, “You go and say goodbye,” he stepped towards me.

_ This doesn’t make any sense, he’s the one that’s never met dad, he’s the one that’s been dreaming of this his whole life.  _

My brows furrowed, “What?”

He did not hesitate to answer, “I had someone who looked out for me.” his eyes cast down before meeting mine again, “Someone who pushed me to be more than I ever thought I could be.” his hand was on his heart, “I never had a dad… but I always had you.” 

His eyes were so soft and so full of  _ love  _ and thankfulness and  _ god does he really feel like that about me? He actually sees how much I try for him? _

Though my mouth tried to form a hundred responses, all I could do was stare at him in surprise and relief. He did not say anything more, instead taking an attacking grip on his staff and running down the mountain.

_ As selfish as it is, I didn’t stop him.  _

I only watched for a second, before I turned back to dad. I can’t risk missing a single millisecond with him.

_ But why would Ian miss every second with him? Why would he give up his chance to meet Dad when I’m the one that almost screwed it up in the first place?  _

_ It’s my job to protect him and I’m not doing it. It’s my responsibility to keep him safe and he’s fighting the battle I caused so that  _ I  _ can have a chance to say goodbye to Dad, have a chance to get closure. _

As much as I want to be able to say that I don’t need it, I don’t need closure, I’m okay. That’s just not true. I have no many unanswered questions and Ian was the selfless one and is giving me my chance to get some answers.

With every explosion and scream I heard behind me, I didn’t dare turn around because I knew if I did I would not be able to resist going down to try to help him, try to keep him safe. And if I did that, then I would never know if Dad resents me for never saying goodbye, or if when he sees me he’ll be disgusted by what he sees, that he’ll be ashamed and also know that  _ I’m a screw up _ . 

If I even look away for a second, I’ll risk losing time with him, and time is slipping away like sand in a hourglass. 

The sounds behind me only grew, and with every pounding step I knew the dragon was right behind me. Though I braced myself, I did not turn around,  _ it’s not like I could fight the dragon anyway. If I get killed by this dragon, at least if I keep my eyes on Dad I have a chance at seeing his face before I go. _

I heard my brother scream and at the explosion I knew he achieved he hardest spell in the book. Though as much as I wanted to hug him and tell him how great did and how proud I am of him, all I could do was wince and keep my eyes on Dad.

Though I hoped somehow Ian would come through and somehow slay the dragon, I just stood there as the curse’s growls sounded closer. 

Suddenly with a beam of blue and red light, rocks flying everywhere, I knew he did it.  _ Ian actually did it! _

I kept myself composed, the final remnants of the gem disintegrating as Dad’s face finally appeared.

With a yellow light brighter than the sun itself, brighter than any other light today, Dad appeared. Yellow particle by particle, he appeared. All of him.

I let out a sigh of relief when he finally stood in front of him. A smile grew on my lips as it really sunk in that  _ Dad is here.  _

He didn’t say anything at first, instead checking to make sure he was all here this time. When he finally looked up at me his smile was so big and the way he looked at me all I could describe it was was full of  _ pride _ .

We both stood still, neither of us knowing what to do.  _ Part of me just wanted to hug him, have me hold me like I was a little boy again and hear him say everything’s gonna be okay, that he’s proud of me and I’m not a screw up.  _ Instead, we both stayed in our places.

Smile still lighting up his face as bright as the light from before, “Oh Barley, you brought me back!”

“Well, it was Ian.”  _ He deserves the credit for this.  _ “He’s the real wizard.” There was a pause for a second, “Speaking of wizards, what would your wizard name be?”  _ Is that a disappointing question to ask? _

His grin became more goofy, “I always thought it would be Wilden the Whimsical.” He laughed at himself, holding his stomach. To his laugh, I finally managed a smile. 

_ He needs to know how much Ian wanted to be here. _

I spoke as quickly as I could, just in case, “Dad, you need to know that Ian wanted to be here. He let me meet you instead so that I could get my goodbye with you.” I finally ran out of breath.

His face softened at my words; “well I am so proud of both of you. You must have done a really good job helping him grow up, Barley.” 

“I'm sorry I didn’t say goodbye last time, Dad” my eyes drew downwards.  _ I ruined the moment. _

That was when he stepped forward, his arms wrapping around me. As much as I’ve dreamed for one last hug with him, I did not wrap my arms around him right away. 

He whispered, “Give Ian a hug for me.”

He did not say anything more, but in his embrace a thousand words were said. All the words I’ve ever wanted to hear, I felt, and ever so slowly I wrapped my arms around him too. I sunk my face into his shoulder, soaking in every ounce of comfort I could get before the inevitable glowing began again.

He did not seem to mind my tears wetting his shirt sleeve, he just held me tighter. 

The light came all too soon. The dazzling yellow particles had not seemed so harsh before. I hugged him until every last particle was gone, drifted away with the wind until all I could do was hug myself. For a moment, I stayed there, hugging myself as if it were him, tears dripping down my face. 

_ I can’t stay here forever though. I need to make sure Ian is alright.  _

I let go of myself, looking off to where the yellow particles flew away, as if he would still be there. Not a speck of yellow was in the sky. 

Wiping my nose, I began the trek back down the kill, to my brother.  _ I made sure all my tears were dried up before seeing Ian. _

_ Of course he’s stuck in the giant pile of debri. _

Climbing up the pile, I was able to reach him, extending a hand to help him up. I did not mean to take a step backwards when he was on his feet, but I didn’t correct it. 

_ What am I supposed to tell him? He doesn’t know what Dad and I talked about, I could tell him anything. Should I tell him anything at all, will it only make him feel worse? _

Ian glanced over to the hill Dad had been on, as if he would still be there, before turning back to me, “What did he say?”

_ What am I supposed to tell him? Do I tell him more than Dad actually said to make him feel better, or do I tell him exactly what he actually said? _

__

I kept my expression as neutral as I could, “He said he always thought his wizard name would be Wilden the Whimsical.” 

_ That was not what he wanted to hear.  _ “That’s really terrible.” He said with a light chuckle.

At his chuckle I let out a single breath of laughter, “Yeah I know.” He let out one more breath of laughter, waiting for more. 

_ He needs to know everything dad said.  _ “He also said he’s very proud of the person  _ you  _ grew up to be.” I ended with a smile.  _ He doesn’t need to hear that he was proud of both of us, he doesn’t need to be lumped in with me. Dad is proud of him and that is all that matters. He’s proud of Iandore. _

“Well, I owe an awful lot of that,” he got a bit choked up, “to you.”

My smile faded a bit, “He kinda said that too.” 

_ I can’t forget the hug. _

“Oh, and he told me to give you this.” Slowly, I stepped forward, and pulled him into a gentle hug. Eyes closed, I just held my brother,  _ held him like everything would be okay.  _

He shifted, and his arms came up and wrapped around me even tighter than I held him. That was when the smile came back onto my face. 

I didn’t mind his tears on my shoulder.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for LittleMissAgrafina for editing :)  
> This is definitely different than I’ve ever written before, and there are multiple commenters who helped motivate and inspire this so thank y’all :) This is the first time I’ve taken actual cannon scenes and written them like this, but in a different perspective. I dunno if that makes sense. It was really really fun to analyze the scenes and then to take that and try to figure out thoughts for Barley. Though I’m not happy with the dialogue with Wilden but I did write it at 2am sooo   
> Thank you so much for reading :)


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